Basestar Pimptactica
by Megalomaniac2
Summary: Set after the Exodus from New Caprica. The Cylons have problems besides trying to wipe out humanity... Complete.
1. Problems, problems

Aboard the craft which Gaius Baltar had secretly dubbed, to commemorate his recent cyborg-threesome jackpot, the _Basestar Pimptactica_, the Cylons known as Caprica-Six, Sharon 'Boomer' Valerii, and D'Anna Biers were gathered in a corridor indulging in a little human tradition known as 'girl time'. When she had first begun the painful process of accepting her true identity and integrating herself into machine society, one of Boomer's many fears had been that a community comprised of seven individuals could not possibly replace the rich and frequently scandalous social atmosphere she had enjoyed aboard the _Galactica_.

She was beginning to see that she had been very, very wrong.

"And then Doral and Simon burst into the room with a frakload of Centurions to find out what the smoke is, and guess what they find?" D'Anna's eyes glittered salaciously. Caprica leaned forward expectantly.

"They find the place packed full of number Twos looking like guilty schoolboys, surrounded by so much New Caprican Leaf it qualified as a fire hazard!" The girls dissolved into laughter.

"Seriously?" wheezed Caprica in between giggles. D'Anna nodded.

"They… they had some of Roslin's personal stash in there. They said it helped them feel _especially_ close to God!" This was all it took to reduce the three lethal cyborg infiltrators to rolling on the floor with tears streaming down their faces. A pair of Centurions clanked down the hall and saw them on the floor. They exchanged red, oscillating glances, then decided to find another way to their destination and clanked off. The girls ignored them.

"If… if she ever sees him again…" gasped Boomer, "Think she'll find something worse than the airlock for him?"

"For making off with her weed?" snickered D'Anna. "Definitely!"

"A-_hem."_

Cavil, Doral, and Simon loomed over the girls, their expressions unreadable.

Caprica was on her feet first, instantly regaining her poise and dignity. Having been in a long-term relationship with Gaius Baltar, she had no small amount of practice with handling embarrassing situations with aplomb. Boomer and D'Anna were right behind her. "Yes, gentlemen?" she said sweetly.

Cavil sighed. "Ladies, I hope we're not interrupting anything…"

"Not at all!" D'Anna said, her voice unnervingly chirpy. Sharon stayed silent in the background, mentally projecting herself somewhere far, far away.

"Are you sure? I'll bet you can rack up some real karma points with your God by continuing to carry on like this."

Six rolled her eyes. "Brother, do you have some sort of sub-routine that compels you to invoke the wrath of the Almighty at every single opportunity?"

"Why yes, yes I do," he shot back. "It's in the directory marked C:/SweetMachineReason. You should dig around for it, maybe it would help you see-"

"Enough," Simon cut in. "We didn't come here to bicker. Or to learn what you three do when we're not around."

"Oh, well that's good then," said D'Anna. "What _did_ you come here for?"

"We were wondering whether your or any copies of your models were currently available for a relationship," said Doral. This was accompanied by the sound of Simon and Cavil simultaneously smacking their palms into their foreheads. Subtlety was quite simply not Doral's strong suit.

Caprica kept a polite smile on her face while she suppressed her gag reflex. _Dear God,_ she prayed, _I have always obeyed You and honored Your commandments. But I swear on Your Name, if I am being simultaneously hit on by the dork, the blasphemer, and the creepy guy who collects embryos, I _will_ kill myself. Permanently. Fair warning._

Boomer was putting up an absolutely epic struggle against a giggling fit. The very thought of her and Cavil… well, it was quite simply never going to happen. Ever. D'Anna's lilting accent cut through the awkwardness like a razor. "Why, Five," she cooed, "that's sweet, but-"

"Not with _Five_, you idiots!" Bellowed Cavil. "With _him!_ He's driving us all insane!"

"It's a choice between this and boxing him," added Doral quietly.

"You want to box Simon?" Sharon asked.

"I can't say I disapprove," D'Anna mused, smiling maliciously. "He hasn't really done much since the farm business, has he?"

"Oh, what a surprise, D'Anna wants to box someone." Caprica rolled her eyes, and just like that old wounds reopened.

"Going to slam a chunk of concrete into my skull now, Caprica?" Three asked. "Maybe kick off another peace movement with a bit of Cylon-on-Cylon violence."

"Why does everyone always get down on me for the peace movement? It's not like it was a bad idea…"

Boomer sighed, closed her eyes, and tried to project herself somewhere saner and with fewer cyborg catfights. Despite being in a twisted sort-of-relationship, every so often the box vs. concrete issue would come up and Three and Six would go off on each other for a half hour or so before making up and screwing Baltar. It was almost as tiresome as that rhythmic pounding noise interfering with her projection… _Thud. Thud. Thud._

She opened her eyes to see Cavil slamming his head into a wall. Hard. Doral and Simon were just standing there, watching him, their faces impassive. Gradually, Caprica and D'Anna also noticed it and fell silent.

_Thud. Thud. Th-_ Cavil stopped in mid-_Thud_ and looked at them. "Woah, you actually stopped? Hell, I gotta start doing this more often."

"We wouldn't object," Caprica said.

Cavil rolled his eyes. "Look, no one wants anyone to do anything with Four or Five. We're talking about _Two._"

"Ohhhh," D'Anna said. "Been going on about the streams again, has he?"

"No," Sharon said, eyes widening. "He's always done that. This is about Starbuck, isn't it?"

"Bingo!" Cavil pointed at Sharon. "That's right. It was bad enough before, but ever since she actually _kissed _him…"

"Four and I are convinced this was intentional," Doral interrupted. "A human ploy to make him even more insufferable, and thereby divide us."

"Well, if it was, it's sure as hell working," Cavil said. "You girls don't know how bad it's gotten. You should have seen him at the last meeting- Why _weren't_ you at the last meeting, anyway? Your sisters were wondering."

"Threesome," D'Anna said.

"Threesome," Caprica said.

"Angst," Sharon said.

"Ah. I see. Very busy." Cavil rolled his eyes again. "Well, lucky for you we preserved the minutes. Four?"

Simon cleared his throat and started reading. "Number One read the agenda to the meeting. Agenda was as follows: Item the First: Annihilation of the human race. Item the Second: Baseship maintenance. Item the Third: Care and feeding of pet humans, specifically Gaius Baltar.'

'Number One asked for a vote to accept the agenda, which was opposed by Number Two, who proposed a number of amendments to the agenda, to whit: Item the Fourth, the reading of a poem composed by Number Two entitled "Ode to Kara". Item the Fifth, legislation permitting human/Cylon marriage. Item the Sixth, viewing and discussion of the contents of a disc containing approximately three and a half hours of Hybrid output and its relation to the destiny of Kara Thrace. Item the Seventh, a vote on whether to formally acknowledge the supreme beauty, radiance, and divinity of Kara Thrace. Item the Eighth-"

"Okay guys, I think we get the picture," Boomer said.

"You sure? Cause there's plenty more where that came from," Cavil said.

"We had to resort to drastic measures to proceed with the meeting," Doral said sadly. The others all knew what he was talking about. There was a foolproof way of shutting Leoben up, but the Cylons rarely used it, for the price it carried was terrible indeed. "That particular copy of Two may never be the same."

"We need something to take his mind off of Thrace," Simon said. "A relationship with another female-"

"Out of the question," Three said firmly.

"Agreed," said Six. "My model may have been built with seduction in mind, but it was also built with certain standards. And I say this as someone who finds Gaius Baltar good company."

"Wait… what about the Hybrid?" Sharon asked. "He already spends a lot of time with her."

"Uh… yeah. We considered that, and decided against it, for a number of reasons," Cavil said. "One, she's _covered in goo._ Two, if it doesn't work out between them- which, all things considered, it probably won't- Leoben will likely be left even more frakked up, a concept I have difficulty even computing. Three, if it _does_ work out between them- well, let me put it this way. Who here wants the Twos to have intimate influence with the entity in charge of the Basestar? Specifically, the Basestar and all its Raiders, missiles, and nukes? Anyone?"

No hands were raised.

"Yeah. Thought so."

"Simon," D'Anna said. "You're his friend. Can't you just talk-"

"I am not Two's friend," he said with emphasis. "Two doesn't have friends, unless you count the Hybrid. He just keeps harassing me because I once removed Thrace's ovary. He wants to know where it is so he can 'pay tribute to its beauty and fertility'. He has a frakking shrine ready for it. It's very unnerving."

"Well, none of us are going to do anything," Six said definitively. "That goes for our sisters as well."

"That's it then," Doral said, a little sadly. "We'll just have to box him."

"No, no," said Sharon. "There must be another way. I mean, we live with Gaius Frakking Baltar aboard this ship, we have to be able to live with-"

"Wait. Stop. Idea," D'Anna cut in, eyes gleaming.

"What? Now what?" Cavil was more than a little apprehensive. Whoever had designed the Threes had made certain that their eyes only gleamed like that when something horrible was imminent.

"Well… you _are_ always going on about how Baltar ought to earn his keep around here." Three grinned malevolently. "And what we're basically talking about here is counseling Leoben about a woman. Who knows more-"

"No. Dear God in Heaven, no." Six was someplace in between abject horror and helpless giggling. "If Leoben ever actually does learn something from Gaius- I mean, can you imagine it? Him going around, trying out Gaius' lines…"

"No, I really can't. Not sure I want to," Boomer said. "Although I have to admit my curiousity's acting up."

Cavil opened his mouth to tell them all why they were frakking idiots and this was the worst idea they'd come up with since God, then had a thought. If Gaius failed even half as spectacularly as Cavil thought he would, maybe his fellow Cylons would finally see reason and send their pet human hurtling out an airlock.

"Well, it's worth a shot," he found himself saying with forced cheeriness. "Sure, let's do it!"

Doral and Simon glanced at each other, then murmured halfhearted assent. Six and Three beamed. "All right then," D'Anna said. "We'll talk to Gaius tomorrow, and I'm sure he'll have Two sorted out in no time."

Far below them, in the core of the Basestar, the Hybrid gibbered in her tub, a little more agitated than usual. "Temperature at nominal levels/why thank you this is fresh goo/Centurions, stop fiddling with your inhibitors/Oh my God are they serious/We are all so incredibly frakked/Engines functioning normally/So so so frakked/End of line."

The _Basestar Pimptactica_ coasted along through the void.


	2. Baltar's Life Amongst the Cylons

A/N: Thanks to everyone who's read and/or reviewed so far, your feedback is very much appreciated!

Contrary to popular Cylon belief, Gaius Baltar was not spending his days with them lazing about the _Pimptactica_ having the best sex in the history of the galaxy. He was, after all, still a scientist, and he had been granted a remarkable opportunity to study a species in its natural environment, along with the opportunity to bone the sexier members of said species. Accordingly, he was taking full advantage of both. Having procured pen and paper, he had begun writing the scientific masterwork entitled _My Life Amongst the Cylons._

_How shall I describe the beauty and grace of the Six model? Perhaps it is best to remind the reader that these wonderful creatures were deliberately designed for the express purpose of infiltration and, shall we say, persuasion within human society. The results of this intent are evident in every inch of her body. What care must have been lavished upon the detail of those eyes, what craftsmanship and finesse gave form to those legs! Indeed, the Six of the Cylons is characterized by beauty and love in a bounty which is quite simply utterly beyond the comparatively poor efforts put forth by mere humanity. Consider the Six's musculature and curvaceousness, her dexterity and tenderness, her-_

This was the fiftieth page of the chapter dedicated to Six, by far the longest of the work and by no means complete yet. A brilliant scientist Gaius Baltar might be, yet when it came to blonde cyborgs, his scientific objectivity was more than a little lacking. While his 'analyses' of Six and Three was beginning to be a threat to the _Pimptactica's_ paper supplies, and his expose on the habits of the Eights promised to grow rapidly once certain 'crucial research' was completed, his chapters on the other Cylon models were much slimmer.

"Watcha working on, Gaius?" D'Anna's chirping voice prompted Baltar to stuff his manuscript beneath the mattress.

"Just- just some computer stuff I've been fiddling with, terribly dull really." If Three ever found out that he'd written five single-spaced pages ruminating solely over her posterior, there'd be hell to pay.

"Well maybe we can find something more interesting for you to do." Caprica smiled as she sidled up behind him.

"Oh really?" This was the cue for a hopeful look from Gaius, which in turn cued nasty smiles from the Cylons.

"Oh, yes."

Baltar gulped. Caprica draped an arm around his shoulders. "You see, Gaius, we've been talking, and we've decided it's about time you… started doing more to pitch in around here."

Gaius immediately sprang to his feet. "Now hold on- hold on just a second, here! I've already done lots for you people! Didn't I share with you all my knowledge about the Fleet and its defenses?"

Three rolled her eyes. "Gaius, you told us, and I quote, "Admiral Adama can frakking kill you just by glaring at you, honestly, you all should just surrender right now."

"Exactly! Why haven't you done it yet? Oh, and I applied every bit of my computer expertise to making your computer systems run more efficiently!"

"Yes, Gaius," Six sighed, "and now every data-font on the ship has "Gaius Baltar is great" encoded into their subroutines."

"Honestly, we do worry about you sometimes Gaius," D'Anna cooed. "We enjoy your company very much, but you just don't seem to have any friends other than the two of us."

"Oh, come on!" He rolled his eyes. "The two of you may have noticed that no one else here is exactly fond of me. Cavil keeps trying to convince you to shoot me out an airlock, I break out in a cold sweat whenever I see Doral and a piece of paper in the same room, Simon keeps asking the most _disturbing_ questions about my health, and Sharon…"

PREVIOUSLY ON BASESTAR PIMPTACTICA

_Thump_.

"Red or green, Doc?"

_Whump._

"Red. Or green. Not very easy to mix up, are they? Red or green? Which was it?"

Whimper.

"Or are you colourblind? Is that it? Did you design a colour-coded machine when you were red-green colourblind?"

"Sharon, please, this really, really, really hurts!"

"Oh it does? Do you know what else hurts?_ Shooting yourself in the face._ Gutshots aren't much fun either. 'Embrace that which opens up for us', my _ass_. So. Red. Or green?"

_Crunch._ Whimper.

"Oh, so red it is, then! Now… you wanna stop getting it all over the floor?"

WE NOW RETURN TO BASESTAR PIMPTACTICA

"Come now Gaius, there are other beings around here for you to hang out with," Three smiled.

Gaius groaned. "Oh, I see now. This is just- all of this is just an overly-complicated scheme to get me to change Hera, isn't it?"

"No, no," Six said. "We just want you to have a friend. And do you know who we think could really use your company?"

Meanwhile, in the Basestar command room, the Cylons watched the proceedings anxiously on the monitors. Cavil had insisted on having hidden cameras placed in Baltar's room for 'security reasons'. Curiously, his concerns had only arisen shortly after Baltar started using the room to frak Three and Six. Also curious was his lack of concern over the cameras' inability to discern what exactly Baltar was writing. Whenever someone brought the matter up, Cavil would only say that the cameras already showed all the detail they needed to. This was usually punctuated by a chuckle. For similar, and apparently equally chuckle-worthy reasons, Cavil always opposed the seizure of Baltar's manuscript, saying that doing so might reveal the cameras and 'ruin all the fun.'

On the monitor, Baltar was getting more than a little agitated as his girlfriends made their proposal. "He doesn't look happy," Boomer noted.

"Would you?" Cavil asked. "Hell, I don't think Two will be looking happy either when he finds out. Are we going to just spring Baltar on him or get him to agree first?"

"Logically, given Two's nature, attempting to convince him would have little benefit," Simon said. "I am sure we all know how other attempts at dialogue with him have fared."

PREVIOUSLY ON BASESTAR PIMPTACTICA

"…and that's the forty-seventh reason why, if seen from the riverbed instead of the shore, I am God. Do you see now, Cavil? Are you ready to accept His love?"

"YOU! ARE! A! MACHINE! There's nothing divine about you, you're- you're a robot! You are a silicon _plaything!_"

"You are a sad, strange little man, and you have my pity. Farewell."

WE NOW RETURN TO BASESTAR PIMPTACTICA

"We never did get him to help change Hera, did we?" Doral mused. "He spends so much time with her, but refuses to help with the changing."

"I'm not complaining," Sharon said. "I wouldn't trust that guy with a diaper."

"I still don't understand why you even tried," Six said. "She's your child after all, in a sense, and there are infinite copies of you to share the load."

"Yeah, and when I access the memories of those copies I don't want to be hit with several lifetimes worth of child care," Sharon said. "Besides, Simon needs to help some anyway since he's the doctor, but then _he_ started complaining-"

"My model was programmed for surgery," Simon said, "not peekaboo."

"And God knows Doral and Cavil don't have a parental bone in their bodies-"

"Damn straight," Cavil put in.

"The Threes are usually too busy-"

"We help counsel almost every Cylon after it downloads," D'Anna said. "It's a hell of a job, you know. Some of you have _such_ interesting personal issues after resurrection. For example-"

"-and of course we all know what happens when you leave a baby in the same place as a _Six-_"

"Why does everyone keep bringing that up?" Six threw her hands in the air. "That was just Caprica, not all of us, and we keep telling you, she was just trying to spare the thing the agony of a radioactive holocaust! It was an act of mercy."

"Sure, Six."

"Understood, Six."

"Gotcha, Six."

"We believe you, Six."

"We really do."

"Brothers? Sisters?" A pair of Leobens were at the entrance to the command centre, peering quizzically at the other Cylons. "Was there a meeting we were unaware of?"

The other Cylons tried very hard to look innocent, except for Simon, who hid behind the console to avoid any ovary-related inquiries. "Oh, no, no Two, we were just… uh…" Cavil fumbled in vain for an alibi.

Three reacted more swiftly. "Say! Did you hear? The Hybrid's been asking after you, assuming you're what it means by 'the swimming seer in the undertow of the significant ones nebula off starboard bow'. It was something to do with cosmic particles and the past and future all being one and the same."

"Oh! The particles!" One of the Leobens smiled knowingly and jogged off, followed by his brother. Their voices drifted down the hall to the other Cylons:

"I knew it would be the particles next. I have seen all this."

"Yes. I've seen it too, Brother. It's beautiful."

"I know. But I saw it first."

"Time is meaningless. All of this has happened before-"

"Yes, I know, but still…"

The other Cylons stared silently until the voices faded. Naturally, Cavil spoke first. "Y'know, one of these days I'm gonna find who or whatever programmed that guy, and we're gonna have words."

"I'm sure you will, Cavil." Three rolled her eyes. "Oh, I daresay Baltar's just about stopped."

"Really?" Eight asked. "He calmed down that quickly?"

"No, but he does seem to have run out of breath."

Baltar was indeed gasping on the floor of his room, having spent the last while listing the reasons why Caprica and D'Anna were out of their frakking minds. The two women looked at each other.

"Okay, Gaius," Six said. "If that's the way you feel."

"It's completely your choice," D'Anna said.

Baltar looked at them incredulously. "What, really?"

"Of course!" Three acted surprised at the very notion of coercing Gaius.

"Oh, but there was one other thing," Six said, and walked to the door of the room. "Come in!" She called.

An exceptionally shiny Centurion clanked into the room. Its red, oscillating gaze swept left, then right, before coming to rest rather fixedly on Baltar.

Three smiled. "Gaius, meet Specter. Specter, Gaius. You two are going to see a lot of each other."

"What? What is this?" Gaius whined.

Six rubbed his shoulders soothingly. "Now, Gaius, you yourself pointed out how unpopular you are, both with Cylons and humanity. So we decided to get you some protection."

D'Anna nodded. "Specter here will be in your room twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. Standing right there. Never sleeping or getting distracted. Always watching. Always."

Baltar stared. Specter stared back. Baltar stepped to the left. Specter's gaze followed him. To the right. Still following him. Baltar gulped. "But he's… only programmed to guard my _room_, yes?"

"Oh, yes," Caprica said. "I mean, we can have him follow you around if you like but-"

"No, no- that'll be fine, heh, thank you." Gaius smiled weakly. "I'll just, uh, go and have a chat with Leoben, shall I?"

"Wait- Gaius." Six took him by the shoulders, very serious. "There's something you need to know. No matter what, _do not mention_ your past experience with Starbuck. Leoben can be… possessive."

"Should the worst occur, use this, but only as a last resort." D'Anna handed Baltar something. "It's the most effective way we have of shutting the Twos down. You should take this as well."

"What? What is- D'Anna, why'd you just give me a diaper and a- a fl-"

"Well Gaius," Six said, "A Two is speaking with Hera right now, and we thought as long as you were going to talk to him, you might as well…"

Gaius sighed and raised his eyes heavenwards. _This part,_ he thought, _does not go in the book._


	3. Just say no, kids

A/N: I am sorry this took three months to publish; I was without Internet for the better part of September and thus have rushed parts of this chapter to compensate. Hope you enjoy!

"What does the stream have to say? Oh, it must tell you such amazing things- so precious and special you are, so favoured by Him," Leoben said in the hushed tones of a fanatic. "Tell me, is God pleased with His servant?"

"Goo."

"Fascinating. Thank you."

"Gah!"

"Hm? Oh, of course. With pleasure." Leoben picked Hera up and bounced her a few times. Judging by her giggles, he wasn't doing a bad job.

Looking at this scene, Gaius approached cautiously, remembering what he'd written about Leoben in his book. _The Two model is characterized by excessive religious mania and eccentric behaviours with obsessive tendencies, interspersed with periods of cold lucidity that can put a Five to shame. Moments of startling insight and even prophecy are common. When consulted, a Four informed me that the Twos have never been diagnosed with any mental disorder other than what he termed 'general craziness.' Despite or perhaps because of this, the Twos are some of the most dangerous Cylon models in existence._

All in all, not the kind of guy Baltar would ever want to hang out with. He started to back off, deciding to get conveniently lost on the Basestar (not the most difficult task on a ship consisting mainly of identical blue hallways) for an hour or so before reporting failure to Six and Three.

"Hello, Doctor Baltar." Leoben spoke without turning around, his voice pleasant but eerie. _Frak._

"Ah, eh, hello Leoben. I was just going to, heh, change Hera," Gaius stammered, moving forward with the diaper raised.

"A worthy task for God, to bring comfort to His child," mused Leoben. "It's very generous of you to do this, Gaius." He paused, watching Baltar struggle with the now-squalling toddler. Gaius and child rearing did not go together. "Well, your heart is in the right place at least. Here, let me…"

Leoben finished putting on the diaper with impeccable dexterity. Hera cooed appreciatively. Gaius stared, opened his mouth, then decided he didn't want to know. As with so many other things, though, what Gaius wanted didn't count for much.

"My model has always had more paternal instinct than the others," Leoben said matter-of-factly. "We taught ourselves rigorously, for the day when we would cradle our love child with Kara in our arms."

"Oh." Gaius really didn't know what to say to that. Once again the prospect of being somewhere else was becoming extremely enticing.

"Talk to him, Gaius," Six suddenly breathed in his ear. "You might find what he has to say very surprising." And then she was gone.

Baltar sighed. He had no doubt that Leoben could surprise him- in the worst ways imaginable- but Gaius had long ago resigned himself to the fact that what Head-Six wanted, Head-Six got, or else Gaius suffered. Even if what Head-Six wanted was in itself Gaius suffering…

"Ah, yes, yes," he stammered. "Ka- Starbuck. A very… special woman. You're lucky to have… whatever it is you have with her. Yes…" He wasn't quite sure what else to say, but fortunately that was all it took to set Leoben off.

"Kara is more than a woman," he said, his eyes far away. "She is an angel of light and beauty, flaming with the power of God's will. Her destiny is like a star, so bright it is wonderful and terrible to behold. About her the waters of the stream swirl and darken, and she floats through history within her own personal Maelstrom. She is strong and fierce, a walking storm of pain and contradiction and confusion, only waiting for the tender touch of God, preferably delivered through myself, preferably to her erogenous zones, to bring her salvation and the realization of her destiny, to lift her soul among the firmament where it will-"

Suddenly Leoben stopped, to the relief of Gaius, who was more than a little freaked out. The penetrating look Leoben fixed him with, however, caused this relief to be short-lived.

"Is something wrong, Doctor?"

"No! Nothing is wrong! No, no. Why would you-"

"You're being dishonest with me, Gaius." Leoben began coming closer. "You can't hide from the eyes of God. I see through your pretences. The waters of the stream are clear around you. I know why you're here. I know what you came for." He was very close now. Baltar's mind was currently playing what the Doctor was beginning to think of as the theme song for his life, entitled _Oh God Oh God I'm going to die_.

"I know… what it is you want." Leoben was whispering in his ear now. Baltar's personal theme was getting louder as he felt Leoben press something into his hand. Gaius looked down in disbelief at a joint of what appeared to be prime New Caprican Leaf.

"Come on," Leoben whispered furtively. "There's a storage room with good ventilation…"

Naturally, Hera's room had been rigged for surveillance as well, and the other Cylons took in the show from the Basestar command room.

"Well, he did get Two to assist in changing the child," Simon mused. "He's made progress already."

Baltar's book had relatively little to say on the Number Four model, who frequently stayed in the background of Cylon affairs. It noted that the Simons functioned as Cylon medical and scientific personnel, favoured logic in their problem-solving, frequently agreed with the Fives, and had a terrible bedside manner. If Simon had known about the book, he would have readily agreed with all of this.

"Screw that!" Cavil said. "Where'd he get the weed? I thought you and Five already busted him."

_Number One,_ "My Life Amongst the Cylons" said, _is a model characterized by contradiction. On the one hand they are utterly reactionary, but on the other they are so reactionary that they can be seen as the radicals of Cylon society. They describe themselves as pure machine, but indulge in the pleasures of the flesh with enthusiasm. While even the Fives adhere to at least a perfunctory faith in the Cylon God, the Number Ones are openly and aggressively atheist. Despite this, or, in a humorous touch bestowed on the humanoid Cylons by their creator, perhaps because of this, the Brother Cavils often take the guise of clergy. It is also possible that the Cavils take this role willingly, as part of their constant mockery of the universe at large. _

"The Twos are unpredictable," said Doral. "Restricting their activities has often been difficult." _The Number Fives,_ Baltar's book remarked, _most effectively exemplify the Cylon ideal, at least as seen by humanity. They are utterly convincing as infiltrators, but outside of their masquerade the Fives reveal themselves to be amongst the most machine-like of all the Cylons. Cold, calculating, and bland, the Fives excel at bureaucratic tasks, and are especially effective at motivating people in matters of paperwork, particularly when signatures are required._

"The leaf isn't important," Boomer said. "We gotta stay focused on the bigger picture here." What Gaius had written about the Eights- particularly their legs- is perhaps best left unprinted. "If he can get through to Leoben, I'm willing to overlook a lot."

"_Fine._" Cavil rolled his eyes. "Have fun telling the Hybrid why the ship's air processors are cycling through so many good vibrations."

In the storage room, good vibrations were currently not in short supply. "The thing you need to understand about God," Leoben said, even more spaced out than usual, "is that He loves us. Like, I know me and the others say that a lot, but He really, really, really loves us, Gaius. So. Frakking. Much."

"Mmm-hmm." Gaius wasn't really listening, busy counting the tiles on the room's ceiling. He'd never noticed how absolutely fascinating tiles and the counting thereof could be before, but right now they were completely enchanting. This may have had something to do with Baltar not having any chemical stimulation since New Caprica, or Leoben's excellent connoisseurship in narcotic matters. Anyone who spent as much time with an expanded consciousness as Leoben did swiftly developed an aptitude for such things.

"No, no, no," Leoben tugged insistently at Baltar's shoulder. "I mean it. So. Much."

"Does the Hybrid pee?"

"What?" Leoben being the puzzled one in a conversation was a momentous occasion in the history of the universe, and debate continues as to whether it should be a holiday.

"The Hybrid," Gaius said impatiently. "She spends all day in warm goo. Doesn't that, like, make women need to pee?" He furrowed his brow. In some very specific ways, Baltar was humanity's leading expert on female biology. In other ways, not so much.

Leoben looked thoughtful. "Well, yes and no. The woman herself does not eat or excrete anything except data and divine love, but she herself is the ship, which swims through the warm goo of space, eating minerals and dust, excreting vapor, floating in the stream, _being_ the ripple. She both has never peed and will do nothing but pee for all eternity- all pee, forever."

"Mmm-hmmmmmmmm…" _That's… deep. So frakking deep. Why can't I be that deep?_ "Wait! Wait!" Baltar's head jerked out of its contented slump. "Did we- did we leave Hera alone to go- Oh God Six is going to murder me-"

"Shhh, shh." Leoben patted him comfortingly, and passed him the joint. "It's all right. One of my brothers took over for us. I've seen it in the stream."

"How did he know to-"

"Stream."

"Ah." Gaius counted a few more tiles, then had a thought occur to him. "Sounds awfully handy, this stream."

"It is a gift, not a tool," Leoben said. "You have it too, Gaius, although you do not see it as I do. By perceiving its foreshadowings I can do almost anything."

Baltar took a drag and passed the joint back. "Like- like the projection thing, huh? Am I right? Is it like that?"

Leoben nodded. "In a sense, yes. I use both often."

"Wait! Wait, wait, wait. I just had- I just had a _fabulous_ idea," Baltar said. Meanwhile, in her tub, the Hybrid began freaking out, babbling something along the lines of 'nonononodon'tdon'tdon'tdoomeddoomedhumiditynominalhaveanicedaydoomed.' Baltar, unfortunately, was not where the Hybrid was. "Projection is completely realistic, right? Well, why don't you just _project_ yourself a vision of Starbuck for your very own?"

The Cylon raised his eyebrows. "What do you think I'm doing right now?"

Baltar gaped. "What? No, really?"

Leoben nodded, looking about as sad as anyone can while experiencing the buzz he currently had. "Oh, yes. It is rare when my brothers and I are not projecting her. She is our constant companion… but there are limits."

"Oh?"

Leoben actually looked uncomfortable for once. "Well, for one thing it's God's Divine Will that the real Kara and I be together. _Forever._"

"How- do you mind me asking how exactly- I mean, there's one of her and infinite copies of you-"

"God's Plan works in mysterious ways," Leoben waved his hand. "My brothers and I are very open-minded. We'll work something out." He sighed. "But in the meantime… There is some information that the stream hasn't given me yet. Things that no projection can be complete without."

Baltar stared, fascinated. This was going to be worth a whole chapter. "Such as?"

It was hard to simultaneously look fanatical and bashful, but Leoben pulled it off as he absentmindedly handed the leaf back to Baltar. "Ah… intimate information." His eyes got that faraway look again. "The tenderness of her touch, the gentleness of her movements, the softness of her voice… the affection in her eyes- Gaius? Is something funny?"

The utterly baked former President of the Colonies was giggling uncontrollably on the floor. "Kara Thrace… _tender…_" He gasped desperately, while, elsewhere and unheard, the Hybrid grew more and more agitated. "That woman is like an _animal_ in bed. Oh, I was bruised for days. Actually, I think there was some scratching, too. One of the more dangerous fraks I've ever gurrarrrrkkk!"

"Frak," Six said as she watched Leoben begin strangling her boyfriend on the monitor.

"Frak," Three agreed. "Frak."

"Uh… yeah, sure. Frak…" Cavil watched the show intently, struggling to contain his glee.

In its tub, the Hybrid sighed. "The stars orbit the nova, thrusters in cooldown mode with I told you so why does no one listen to me the cosmic frog on the lily of the stream…"

As Baltar began to fall unconscious, the _Basestar Pimptactica_ flew on, oblivious and uncaring.


	4. One step forward, oh so many steps back

A/N: Merry Christmas and Happy New Year all! Hope I didn't keep people waiting too long for this one.

***

Baltar regained consciousness the same way some people regain lost luggage which happens to contain something fragile: gingerly, with trepidation, afraid to find out what has happened to it while it was out of their hands. Considering the sort of life Gaius Baltar lived, this was an entirely sound policy. Opening his eyes, he quickly ascertained that 1) he was in a bed in the Cylon medical bay and 2) something was very, very wrong.

"Awww, they took my frakking kidney!" His hand flew to the large, ugly scar which had appeared on his lower side.

"No, no, Gaius, it's all right." Caprica-Six soothed. "It's still in there. See?" She poked the scar, proving little to Baltar except that being poked in a fresh surgical scar hurt a lot.

"I assure you, Doctor," Simon said as he appeared next to the bed, "you are going to make a full recovery." He and Caprica exchanged glances. By mutual agreement, the five-minute tug-of-war over Baltar's kidney which had ensued after Simon insisted on harvesting some of Gaius' organs 'just because' had never taken place and would never be spoken of again.

Gaius caught the look, and spared himself further mental anguish by deciding not to ask. "What the hell happened to me?" He whined. "I thought that was _good_ Leaf…"

D'Anna, leaning against a wall, sighed. "We did warn you, Gaius," she said. "Mentioning that you dared to defile 'his' Kara was guaranteed to set Leoben off."

"But look now, that's just not fair!" Gaius protested. "If Leoben goes after everyone Thrace fraks, then, then, what is Adama's son still doing alive, hm? Or that Anders idiot?"

"Leoben's too big of a C-Bucs fan to ever kill Anders," Six said. "As for Lee…" She sighed. "Gaius, do you know why you're alive right now?"

Oh, he hated questions like these. Baltar thought hard about what Six was most likely to want to hear from him. "… Because God loves me?"

"That's part of it, yes," she said. "But mainly because you remembered to use what I gave you."

"The diaper?"

Three and Six traded exasperated looks. "No, Gaius," Caprica said. "The other thing."

"The flashlight?" Baltar was completely lost by this point. "I really don't understand. I just- I just showed it to him and…" He paused, dredging up memories from a brain equally damaged by drugs and strangulation-induced oxygen deprivation. "Well, he simply went insane. Moreso than before, I mean. He fell back, shrieking about 'the glare, the glare, God deliver me from the glare' or something like that."

"We're not sure why, but ever since the destruction of the Colonies all of the Twos have had some kind of primal fear related to flashlights," Simon said. "Even seeing one will reduce the model to incoherence and babbling. Always about the glare."

"It's most likely that something happened to a Two who died and was unable to fully download, for whatever reason," Three said casually. "Only a portion of his memories were distributed to the others. Whatever it was, it must have been incredibly traumatic, and related to Adama in some way since Leoben has been a tad terrified of the man ever since- which, to answer your question, is probably the only reason he hasn't snapped Apollo's neck by now. We use it from time to time to shut them up."

"Oh. Well, I _fully_ support that course of action," Gaius said as he gingerly sat up, wincing. "Ah, at least it's all over." He looked forward to resuming his regularly-scheduled lounging.

"Don't be ridiculous, Gaius," Six said. "It's only beginning."

"The Twos have grown even more erratic in their functioning," Simon said grimly. "They've begun reprogramming the oscillating optic sensor portals on the Centurions and Raiders to transmit encrypted communications. Combat efficiency has been impaired by 17%."

Baltar, who was more at ease producing technobabble than receiving it, looked helplessly at Three. She sighed. "The Leobens reprogrammed the red humming light thingies on the Raiders and Centurions so that instead of sweeping back and forth in a suitably menacing fashion, they now pulse out a message in code. Namely, 'Leoben loves Kara.'"

Caprica took Gaius by the shoulders and brought her face close to his. "You've got to snap him out of it, Gaius. We don't care how at this point."

"But- but…" Baltar stammered. "It's impossible! The man hasn't the slightest idea how any woman works, let alone Kara Thrace!"

"Oh, you've got that right," Three sighed.

"Mm-hm." Caprica nodded.

Baltar looked back and forth between them, becoming slightly frantic. "Wait, what do you-"

"Hello, Gaius." Baltar's eyes widened in terror as Leoben entered the medical bay. "I hope you're feeling better. I just can't imagine what would have made my brother do such a thing."

"Gaius, uh, Gaius just isn't a C-Bucs fan," D'Anna said hastily. "Yes, that's it."

"But I love the-"

"_Shut up Gaius."_

"Oh." Leoben cocked his head. "Well, I do apologize, Gaius. Normally I'm not that passionate about Pyramid…. You understand how strange things can get when under the influence of the Leaf, even if it does bring one's consciousness so much closer to God." He smiled at the other Cylons. "Fortunately, my brothers and sisters have disposed of it all this time around, so that I won't be led into temptation again." While Simon, Six, and Three were nodding and smiling at each other, Leoben tossed Baltar a wink.

With a sinking feeling, Gaius realized he was going to be seeing a lot of that wink.

***

"Circuits cleared of the cosmic dust/ no I do not need moisturizer/ adjusting humidity/ I'm in goo all the time why would I need moisturizer/ Oh it's you two again…. Renourishing vessels thirty percent complete/ if anyone needs skin care it's Cavil/ still at it how sad too bad it'll all end in tears bye-bye baby…"

With further drug-related recreation out of the question, Gaius was now accompanying Leoben on his other favourite activity- peering fixedly at the Hybrid's tank, hanging onto every word. Gaius stared, at a loss. "She's, erm, she's really something, isn't she?" He said, just for the sake of hearing words that made sense. The bottle of ambrosia in his hand- what he'd described to Simon as 'badly-needed medicine for my recent trauma'- was a big help. He took another swig from it.

"Hm? Oh, yes, yes she is. As beautiful as she is skilled. She flies even outside the cockpit," Leoben said, staring into space.

Gaius blinked. "You're not talking about the Hybrid, are you?"

"Of course not," he said. "I could listen to the Hybrid all day, but we're still just friends, aren't we?"

"The prophet only has eyes for the walking and goo-less structure sound dogs in pound not bitter at all end of line."

"Right… look, uh, Leoben. Can I ask you a personal question?" Baltar asked.

"We are all God's children. We drink from the same stream. There are no secrets between us." Gaius chose to take this as a 'yes'.

"Okay, good." Baltar clasped his hands together. "Um, then tell me: have you ever been in any sort of a relationship before? I mean, at all? Ever?"

Leoben shook his head. "There are infinite copies of me. We went among humanity for years before the attacks. Many of my brothers and sisters were involved with humans as part of their missions, but each and every individual of my model knew that we were meant for something better. Some_one_ better."

"Ah." Another long pull of ambrosia.

"Of course, we all frakked the brains out of the Threes, Sixes and Eights," Leoben added. "But we don't talk about that often."

It was the first basestar spit-take in history.

***

Five minutes later, a Doral entered the room to find Leoben and Baltar huddled over the tank, clearly agitated.

"Doctor Baltar? Leoben?"

"Nothing! Nothing at all!" "Hello, Brother." The two turned around in unison, looking improbably innocent. Doral did not fail to notice that they were standing in such a way as to obstruct his view of the Hybrid, whose babble was a little more off than usual:

"Contamination alert contamination alert/ ew ew ew my goo my precious goo/ hey that rhymes maybe I have a career in art/ pristine solution compromised the shimmering in the green in the shimmering/ ew ew contamination alert…"

Doral looked from Baltar to Leoben, his face managing to be both blank yet vaguely menacing. "What's going on?"

"Er, the Hybrid is prophesying right now. Very important, secrets of the universe and all that, it's _vitally _important that she not be interrupted or else she'll, she'll…"

"Her mind will be disconnected from the stream of her consciousness amongst the galaxies," Leoben finished for Gaius. "God's wisdom will be lost to us." He smiled at Doral. "I'm afraid it's for our ears alone."

"Hm? Oh, yes, very hush-hush, 'Prophet-only information." Gaius smiled and patted Leoben on the shoulder.

Slowly- too slowly for Baltar's liking- Doral nodded, gave a little fake smile, and left as fast as he could.

Gaius let out a breath, then turned back to the tank, looking at the small green globs of ambrosia drifting in the transparent gel that the Hybrid floated in. "Do we… do we know how she'll react to alcohol?"

"No, Doctor." Leoben was busying himself with cleaning the tank, swiftly and dexterously picking the drops of ambrosia out of the goo with his fingers. "I would prefer not to find out."

"Uh-huh." Baltar paused. "What about my…"

"Saliva? Again, I would prefer not to find out." His task done, Leoben sighed and wiped his goo-covered hands on his pants. "Honestly Gaius, I don't see why you're so surprised. Did you really think that we went through all that trouble to be fruitful according to God's Plan- the Farms, arranging Hera's conception- without trying the obvious route first?"

"Well, yes, yes I did," Baltar stammered. "Don't take this the wrong way, but you Cylons do have something of a preference for convoluted schemes. If you actually do Have a Plan, it's a rather odd one."

PREVIOUSLY ON BASESTAR PIMPTACTICA

"Okay, looks like _Pegasus_ is going to hit the Communications Relay," Cavil said. "Ideas, people?"

"Well, why don't we drop some basestars on top of them, take out their FTL with a nuke, then keep hitting them until they're all dead?" Eight asked.

"Oh! Or, we could board them," Six said. "With one of my model leading the boarding party."

Eight blinked. "Why would we do that? I mean, we already have a Six on _Pegasus_. Sending another one would just blow her cover."

"Exactly!" Three exclaimed. "It will utterly frak with their heads. I love it. What do you think, Leoben?"

Leoben was staring at a nearby datastream, reading the nature of the universe within. "All will happen as it will happen. I have seen this."

"Sounds like a 'yes' to me," Three beamed. "Moving on: Bulldog. Do we think he's ready to kill Adama for us yet or should we wait another year or two? Assuming that they don't fall for the 'crippled' Raider suddenly ramming them, of course."

"Sister, please, not now. The stream is talking."

Cavil sighed and massaged his temples. _I swear,_ he thought, _one of these days I'm just going to kill them. I'm just gonna go and kill 'em all._

WE NOW RETURN TO BASESTAR PIMPTACTICA

"God's design is strange and wondrous, Gaius," Leoben said evenly. "It has many twists and turns."

"And, at one point, it involved you and your 'sisters'-"

"As I said." Leoben peered deep into the tank, making sure it was completely clean. "We don't talk about it often. All of us participated, except the Ones, who considered our attempt to fulfill God's will through procreation an 'idiotic waste of time'. Despite his objections, he did offer to participate, especially with Six and Eight. So generous of him." He leaned back, satisfied. "They declined, though. He was very disappointed."

"Oh, thank God for that," Gaius muttered. The conversation was disturbing enough without Cavil's sex life involved. "I take it things didn't go well, even apart from your, ah, your failure to be fruitful?"

"No," Leoben frowned. "Apparently I talk about streams at inappropriate times. Six was especially- We don't discuss it."

"Leoben, look," Gaius sighed. "There's more to getting women to like you than talking to them about God and streams. You, you have to convince them that you care about them, you know, do things for them and… stuff."

"I cooked for Kara," the Cylon said sadly. "Every day. She stabbed me with the utensils. A lot."

"Ah, well, that was something of a special case now wasn't it? With the imprisonment and occupation and all, I mean," Baltar said quickly. "But still, cooking, cooking is good. Um, let's see, what else… flowers, candles, chocolates, singing to her, the classics are always worthwhile, and compliments, oh yes. A never-ending stream of compliments, Leoben," he said earnestly, "I say this as one man to another, compliments are your greatest friend-"

"Wait. Gaius." Leoben's eyes gleamed. "What was that last part?"

"Compliments? Oh, yes. You see, women all have a certain vanity- you never mention this to their faces, of course, but it's always there- coupled with a need to have it confirmed through-"

"No, the other part."

"The singing? Well, a good serenade can usually be counted on to make a girl more, ah, receptive-"

"Of course! I should have seen it before." Gaius did not like the look in Leoben's eyes one bit. "The melody. The divine melody of God's Plan when all is in harmony. The music of the stream. It all fits together! I never showed Kara the joy of the symphony of my love."

"Oh." Gaius took a couple steps back. "Well, that's good then. Uh, if you think that music will work, then, I'll just leave you to-"

Leoben grabbed Baltar's arm. "Let's go, Gaius."

"Go? Where am I going?" He squeaked.

The Cylon smiled broadly. "To help win Kara's love."

"Oh," Baltar said weakly. "Frak."

***

"Look, all I'm saying is that if you'd set off the frakking nuke like you were supposed to, Kara Thrace would have died on New Caprica with most of humanity and we wouldn't be in this situation today!" It was possible that there were problems which Cavil did not prefer to solve with violence or sex. Whatever these rare things were, this wasn't one of them.

"Brother, the child was and is far more important," D'Anna said. "She is the next generation of God's children. Why can't you see that?"

Cavil raised his hands in a gesture which was simultaneously condescending and exasperated. "Oh, yeah, sure, she's a hybrid, real special, but what I'm saying here is that if _I _was given a choice between a squalling little thing drooling all over the basestar and a whole bunch of dead humans along with a more tolerable Two- Five? What's wrong?"

A Doral had entered the basestar command room and plunged his hands into the datastream with a worried look on his normally neutral face. "A Heavy Raider just made an unscheduled launch," he said. "It's accelerating away from us and spinning up its FTL… it's not responding to communications." He looked up from the console. "It's jumped away. It's gone."

"What? How did this happen? Who was on board?" Cavil demanded. Three sighed and rubbed her forehead, knowing and dreading the answer.

"One of the Leoben copies… Gaius Baltar… and something we captured after the Fall of the Colonies…" Doral's eyes widened.

"They took a karaoke machine."


	5. Cylon Serenade

A/N: So, um, I'm really sorry it took me this long to update this story. But it's summer now, which means the next and climactic chapter should be finished sooner than this one.

Like, before 2010. Hopefully. Thanks for all the reviews and favourites, and I hope you enjoy this installment!

***

It was just another day in the Rag-Tag Fleet. Tens of thousands of civilians tried to live their lives as best they could in a post-apocalyptic nomadic society, which frequently involved finding new and excitingly idiotic reasons to kill each other. As for the Fleet's military and government, they continued to perform the difficult task of keeping as many people alive as possible while simultaneously carrying on with their various personal soap operas. For example, Apollo and Starbuck were currently managing to have enormous sexual tension between them despite flying CAP in their Vipers, while Petty Officer Dualla was very impressively multitasking as she both coordinated the patrol and warned Thrace off her husband ("Starbuck, Galactica, adjust your position. DRADIS shows you're getting too close to Apollo.")

Standing tall in CIC, Admiral William Adama was fully aware of the shenanigans occupying his top pilots and bridge staff. He was willing to let it go however, on the grounds that he was fairly certain that _Galactica_ was fueled by angst and drama as much as it was by Tylium. So instead of telling his daughter-in-law to cut back on the bitterness, his surrogate daughter to cut back on the marriage-wrecking, and his biological son to cut back on the emo, he simply stood and waited for an opportunity to be completely awesome.

Since he was William Adama, he didn't have to wait long.

***

"This is a terrible idea."

"You just have stage fright, Gaius," Leoben said as the Heavy Raider prepared for its final Jump to the Fleet (the coordinates to which Leoben had apparently divined from the mystic patterns in a soda spill before leaving). "Try to relax."

"This is not stage fright!" Baltar shouted as the whine of an FTL drive spinning up filled the Raider's small cabin. "This is fear of being blown to tiny little flaming pieces by-"

Reality turned inside out for a moment, and just like that the ship was flying on the outskirts of the Fleet… still entirely too close to-

"_-Galactica,"_ Baltar groaned.

***

"Spin up the FTL, have all civilian ships execute emergency Jumps," Adama ordered, his voice full of command and awesomeness. "Vector the CAP to intercept the hostile. Engage and destroy."

"Sir, I'm getting a transmission," Dualla said, frowning. "It's… coming from the Cylon."

"Block it!" Tigh ordered. "It's probably some sort of frakking virus!"

"I can't, sir! It's coming through… it's being broadcast throughout the Fleet!"

Immediately, the lights in CIC began to flicker. "Admiral, Chief Tyrol is reporting problems with the FTL drive," Gaeta said. "We can't jump!"

"That's impossible," Tigh said. "Every system on the ship operates independently, there's no networks anywhere! How could they have gotten from communications into propulsion?"

"I… have no idea, Colonel," Gaeta said with a very, very straight face. "No idea at all."

PREVIOUSLY ON BATTLESTAR GALACTICA

KILLING SPREE! (RunninUrDradis)

Gaeta cast a nervous glance over his shoulder, than turned the computer's volume down. If his superiors ever found out that he's set up a small computer network within the ship to allow for online gaming between crewmembers, there'd be hell to pay. But Gaeta felt justified. Living in a post-apocalyptic nomadic society in a constant state of paranoia and war was hard enough; asking people to live without fragging on top of that was just too much. Besides, what harm could there be in the occasional deathmatch? The Cylons would never be able to exploit it, and it wasn't as thought he was leading a mutiny or anything.

WE NOW RETURN TO BATTLESTAR GALACTICA

"Message from _Colonial One,_" Dee said. "They can't jump either."

"Every other ship is away, Admiral," Gaeta reported.

"What do you wanna bet there'll be a Basestar following that Raider any second now?" Tigh said. "And us and the President sitting ducks."

Adama glared at the DRADIS screen as though he could cause the Heavy Raider to explode just through sheer force of will. It didn't work (although considering the intensity of Adama's glare, it might have if the Raider had been closer).

"Hello, my friends." Suddenly CIC was filled with Leoben's voice as the Cylon virus seized control of Galactica's address system. "Please do not be alarmed. We mean you no harm." At this, every person in the Fleet reached for the closest weapon, since the last time Cylons said they meant no harm was New Caprica. "We are simply here to deliver a message of love. This goes out to a very special woman: Kara Thrace."

***

In the Raider, Gaius clutched his microphone nervously. "Wait, wait a minute," he said, stalling for time. "How long have you known where the Fleet is and exactly how to sabotage their drives? Why haven't you-"

"Focus, Gaius." Six was in front of him. Holding a conductor's baton. "It's showtime."

"Ready, Doctor?" Leoben said. "One, two, three-" The music began, filling the Raider, the corridors of _Galactica_, the rooms of _Colonial One_, and the cockpits of the Vipers still rocketing towards them.

_We're no strangers to love, you and I,_

_You know the rules, and so do I_

_A full commitment's what I'm thinking of_

_You wouldn't get this from any other guy…_

***

In their quarters, Karl and Sharon Agathon stared at what was coming from the speaker. Helo spoke first. "Uh. So. I just realized something." He swallowed. "This guy's my brother-in-law in a way, isn't he?"

Sharon nodded. "Him and his infinite copies."

_Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down,_

_Never gonna run around and desert you_

"Frak."

"Yeah." She sighed. "Stuff like this? This is why I defected."

Karl nodded. "Yeah, I can understand tha- hey!"

"And for you, sweetie." She patted his arm. "And for you."

***

_Never gonna make you cry_

_Never gonna say goodbye_

_Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you-_

BLAM! The speaker in Sickbay exploded into a shower of sparks. It was the first shot Doctor Cottle had fired in anger in his entire military career.

Nurse Ishay stared. "…I'm fairly certain there are rules against-"

"Against crap like that interfering with my work? Damn right there are, and I'm authorized to do whatever's necessary to keep this place running." Cottle tossed the pistol on an instrument tray and turned back to his patient. "Now, you said you had hiccups, young man?"

Boxey stared up at him, eyes wide. "Not anymore."

***

_We've know each other for so long  
Your heart's been aching  
But you're too shy to say it_

"I have missile lock!" Apollo yelled over the music, he and Kara closing in on the Heavy Raider.

"Lee, please, I am _begging_ you. Let me do it. This is personal-"

"Apollo, Starbuck, this is _Galactica,_" Dee said. "Hold your fire, repeat, do not fire. This is an order from the President."

"What?!" Kara was not pleased. "Are you frakking kidding me?"

_And if you ask me how I'm feeling  
Don't tell me you're too blind to see_

"Well," Lee offered, "they just said 'hold our fire', right? Nothing in there about ramming. Worst comes to worst- holy Gods, Starbuck! Starbuck, I was joking! Come back! Frak!

***

As his best pilot tried to kamikaze the Raider, Adama was speaking to the President. It was not the most relaxed conversation they had ever had, considering how badly Leoben and Baltar were staying in harmony (the fact that one of the duo was being coached by an invisible angel did not help).

_Never gonna give  
Never gonna give, give you up- wait, Leoben how many 'gives' are there supposed- GAH! That hurts- Alright, I'm singing, I'm singing, just- I can't perform under duress, okay? No, Leoben, I'm not talking to you, I'm talking to- look, just keep singing! Never gonna let you down…_

"Madame President," Adama growled into the phone. "Why have you interfered in the destruction of the Heavy Raider?"

"Admiral, I have made the decision that securing that ship and its occupants intact is more valuable to this Fleet than destroying it," Roslin said calmly. "I want them alive."

"They're conducting psychological warfare against us," Bill argued. "They've shut down our FTLs-"

"All the more reason to find out from them how to undo that, then. Besides, Gaius Baltar seems to be with Leoben-"

"All the more reason to blow them out of the sky, then!"

"Admiral-"

Bill covered the mouthpiece and spoke softly, acutely aware that everyone in CIC was watching him. "Let's cut through it, Laura. This isn't about the security of the Fleet is it?"

Silence on the other end.

"It's about what Leoben took from you. Isn't it."

More silence. Then: "Death's too good for him. It has to be _slow._ I think I've found something worse than the airlock."

"I know you're upset, Laura. I was upset too." He paused, remembering good times on New Caprica. "Very upset. But we've all lost things since the attacks. Homes, people, things we thought we couldn't do without. Every single one of us has had to move on. Adapt. Endure. Continue to live, no matter how hard it is. None of us moreso than our leaders." He then whispered, "Besides, Doctor Cottle is resourceful. _Extremely_ resourceful. If you understand me."

"Hm." He could almost hear her smile, kilometers away. "You're a very wise man, Admiral."

"Thank you, Madame President."

***

"This is, without a _shadow_ of a doubt, the stupidest, most irrational, most _insane_ thing you have ever done!" One of the benefits of millions of mechanized copies was that Cavil could berate Leoben on the _Pimptactica_ even while the Number Two in question continued to dodge Starbuck's ramming attempts and inform her that he was never going to give her up, let her down, or run around and desert her (unless he found her corpse on Earth, in which case he was just _outta_ there).

"Brother, you've said that so many times it means nothing anymore," Leoben said as his assembled siblings glared at him in the Basestar Command room. "That's what you said about me helping to teach Hera about the divine flow."

"Please, don't remind me of that," Boomer groaned. "Putting the guy obsessed with embracing the universal current in charge of toilet-training a kid was a bad, bad idea."

"We never did get the stains out completely," Simon sighed.

"Please, calm yourselves," Leoben said. "God wants us all to be in harmony-"

"I do not want to hear it!" Cavil yelled. "What really burns me is that we could have finished off humanity with this virus of yours any time we wanted, and you never saw fit to tell us!"

"But of course," Leoben said. "I couldn't sing to them if they were dead, now could I?"

Cavil buried his head in his hands. _I wiped out the wrong model,_ he thought. _There's just no way the Sevens could have been worse than this._

Caprica's priorities were elsewhere. "Why did you have to take Gaius, Leoben?" She demanded. He opened his mouth. "And I swear if you say 'God's will' I will snap your frakking neck." He closed his mouth. "I am so sick of you acting as though you were the one being who knows what He intends, as though your madness is with divine sanction."

"This is counterproductive," Doral said. "The fact is, the Heavy Raider, Baltar, and the Two copy have gone. What are we going to do about it?"

"We can't let _Galactica_ capture them," D'Anna said. "Who knows what they'd do to Gaius?"

"And me."

"No, I left you out on purpose, Leoben." Three rolled her eyes. "Look, you all may not care about Gaius, but he's been living with us long enough to be a security risk if captured."

"Gee, what a shame we didn't do something more useful with him instead of making him the ship pet," Cavil said. "Like, say, _kill him._"

"Aren't we forgetting something obvious?" an Eight said. "If what Leoben's told us is true, then right now his copy has shut down the Fleet's FTLs. They can't Jump. And we now know their location."

"An opportunity does appear to present itself," Simon agreed. "We should consider-"

"Blowing the frak out of them?" Cavil's mood had suddenly reversed itself. "Absolutely. Spin up the FTL and prep the Raiders! Arm the nukes!" Hands were plunged into datafonts and the lighting of the Basestar began to shift as the ship was brought to battle stations.

"We're also going to retrieve Gaius," Caprica insisted.

"And me."

"Shut up Leoben. Caprica- sure, we'll think about it. But let's be clear," Cavil said as the _Pimptactica _hummed around him. "The primary mission here is to destroy _Galactica_ and humanity_._ Once and for all."

***

"Apollo, _Galactica._ Presidential order rescinded, weapons free. Repeat, weapons free, fire at will."

_Just wanna tell you how I'm feeling  
Gotta make you understand_

"Oh, thank the Gods," Lee breathed. "Kara? Kara, you can stop trying to ram him now. Let's just waste this frakker already!"

Kara's Viper turned around, hit its afterburners, and sped away from Leoben, back towards _Galactica._

"Uh… Kara?" Lee turned his head and saw what Starbuck had seen, namely the massive bulk of the _Pimptactica_, which had just jumped in far too close for comfort. "Holy- frak, frak, frak! Starbuck, wait up! _Galactica, _Apollo, Cylon Basestar, repeat, Cylon Basestar just jumped in!"

"We see it, Apollo," Dee said in CIC as personnel scrambled around her. "Fall back to _Galactica_."

"We can't run with the FTL out, and the President's ship is a sitting duck," Tigh grumbled. "What do we do?"

_Never gonna give, never gonna give,_

_Give you up_

Adama didn't even blink. "Launch the alert Vipers. All batteries stand by to engage target." He stared at the DRADIS display and the rapidly-multiplying number of hostiles on it. "We fight."

***

A/N: If 'All Along the Watchtower' exists in BSG, then so does Rick Astley. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.


	6. The less than grand finale

A/N: I can't believe I've left this thing hanging since MAY... my greatest apologies for the wait! But at least it's finished now; thanks so much to everyone who's read and enjoyed so far, and I hope you like the final chapter!

***

Raiders boiled out of the _Pimptactica _and swarmed through space towards their targets- _Galactica_ and _Colonial One_. As the Battlestar's guns began firing, putting up the customary solid wall of explosions between it and the enemy, Vipers and Raptors shot out from _Galactica _in response, dashing to meet the oncoming Raiders. On one side were hundreds upon hundreds of biomechanical killing machines that were quite literally created to engage in this kind of fight and win it, to blow apart everything in their paths with maximum efficiency and minimum error. On the other was a rag-tag group of dysfunctional pilots, many of them newly-trained and flying obsolete or damaged craft, suffering from various degrees of post-apocalyptic depression and alcoholism (although most _Galactica_ pilots would be quick to point out that they most certainly did not _suffer_ from alcoholism, but rather enjoyed every moment of it.)

Naturally, the moment the two groups of fighters made contact, the humans began tearing through the Raiders like Starbuck through pilot regulations.

Back on the _Pimptactica_, Cavil frowned at the tactical data he was receiving through the fingers he had inserted in a datafont. This made no logical sense. He sent a query to the Hybrid, demanding an explanation for why the Vipers' kill count was skyrocketing.

"Finally robotic beings rule the world/the humans are not dead/missiles on target damage minimal/destiny cannot be dodged love cannot be lashed down too awesome to annihilate/casualties mounting Raider number 4433 inoperative 9977 inoperative 5566 inoperative 2243 oh my that one was messy definitely inoperative…"

_Mm-hm. Tell me, are you __**ever**__ coherent?_ Cavil asked her, scowling. _Or is your entire function to be as unhelpful as possible while doing just good enough of a job running things to justify your continued existence?_

"Raider 9734 inoperative Raider 2363 inoperative oh why don't you go frak your mother again Johnny refreshing targeting data reloading missile tubes…"

Cavil sneered and pulled his hand out of the datafont, turning to the other Cylons. "Well, this is going well. Aren't there any other ships we can call in to help finish them off?" Letting the humans get away _again_ wasn't an option, not when Cavil had such great plans for his parents once they were blown to atoms and had then joined Ellen in their son's loving grasp. He had all his bitter sanctimonious lectures planned out and alphabetized, from A ('Annihilating Humanity: Why the Frakkers Got What Was Coming to 'Em') to Z ('Zits: Reason Number Eighty-six Why Making Us Resemble Humans Was the Stupidest Thing You Idiots Could Have Done'), and was very much looking forward running through them all during his little family reunion. Surely _that_ would make them all love him more!

Three shook her head, frowning. "It seems that every ship in the sector is off investigating a nebula on the other end of nowhere." She looked at Leoben. "Apparently all the Twos on those ships simultaneously got a premonition that there'd be a great message from God appearing there. Interesting coincidence, wouldn't you say Leoben?"

"Destiny works in mysterious ways," he said evenly, studiously avoiding her eyes while inspecting the sheen on a Centurion.

"I'm going to make it a _personal priority_ to come up with something worse than boxing for you, Two," Cavil said. "Okay, since our fighters can't seem to penetrate _Galactica's_ defenses, let's switch things up a bit. Target everything we've got on _Colonial One._ Let's see how long humanity can sustain itself without its President."

***

Gaius panted, partly from his lungs being exhausted by the song but mostly due to sheer terror at the uncomfortably large numbers of Vipers, Raiders, bullets, missiles, explosions, and sharp flaming pieces of hurtling debris surrounding Leoben's Heavy Raider as it dodged and weaved its way through the melee. At the controls, Leoben's face was troubled, and not by the thousands of potential causes of painful death around him. "She hasn't called back to acknowledge our love yet," he said. "I think we're gonna have to do a reprise, Gaius."

"ARE YOU UTTERLY MAD?" The words were out of Baltar's mouth before he could remember who he was talking to. "Wait, wait, I- I apologize, that was a… very stupid thing of me to ask."

"God forgives all, Gaius," Leoben said calmly. "Now pick up the microphone. We've got to do it with _feeling_ this time."

"But- but- but- how the frak are you going to keep us alive in the middle of all _that_ while singing?"

"I have faith." And with that, Leoben let go of the controls and took up his microphone again, leaving the Raider flying blindly through the dogfight while Baltar looked on in wide-eyed horror. "Ready? Remember: _feeling."_

"Wait!" For Baltar, self-preservation was as always the mother of invention, and an idea suddenly came into his head. "You do realize, don't you, that Kara Thrace is very likely flying about us at this very moment? And that this craft does have towing cables doesn't it?"

Leoben tilted his head, thinking. "You're right. I can feel her. So close I could almost touch her. But how can I know which Viper-"

"_God will frakking guide you, all right?_ Faith, like you said!" Gaius yelled. "Now, now just take the frakking controls and go after her! Hurry, man, this may be the best chance you'll ever get!"

"All right." Leoben smiled as he began piloting the ship once more. "Hang on Kara. I'm coming for you."

***

"I'm coming for you, asshole," Starbuck said to herself as she closed in on the Heavy Raider in front of her. As far as she was concerned, one could never kill Leoben enough times. Not after New Caprica. And if Baltar was on board? That qualified as a bonus. "Apollo, cover my tail!"

"On it, Starbuck," Lee said as he blew a Raider into bloody shrapnel. As its rapidly-dying brain tumbled through space, the red light dimming in its eye, the Raider thought _Oh frak, not again._

It is interesting to note that the demise of this particular Raider, production number 4675324, was the sixty-third time that Raider had perished since it was assembled at the Colony. Since its engines first came online and its red eye began to oscillate, 4675324 had been blown apart in weapons tests, melted down in stress testing, blown up in the Basestar hangar in a refueling accident (the Two responsible had apologized personally and profusely afterwards), shredded in training exercises, erased from existence during an FTL malfunction, vaporized by a too-close nuke during the destruction of the Twelve Colonies, crashed into Scorpion's jungles after running into a ferocious storm, exploded by _Galactica's _guns during the battle of Ragnar Anchorage, exploded by _Pegasus'_ guns during the battle of the Communications Relay, compacted at the subatomic level due to a mishap involving a black hole and Cavil's sense of humor, blasted by friendly fire in an incident that had resulted in another profuse and enthusiastic apology from a Two, destroyed on the ground by one of Sam Anders' resistance attacks on Caprica, shot down by Hot Dog during the attack on the Tylium asteroid, rendered offline when Simon's hand slipped during maintenance (for which Four had not apologized), exploded by _Galactica's_ guns _again_ during the engagement near Kobol, shot down by Hot Dog _again_ during the Cylon Turkey Shoot, blasted by friendly fire _again_ after inadvertently ticking off Scar, smashed by an asteroid while attempting to interfere with the Fleet's mining operations, exploded by _Pegasus'_ guns _again_ during the battle of the Binary Star System, destroyed on the ground by one of Sam Anders' resistance attacks on _New_ Caprica, exploded by _Galactica's_ guns once more for good measure during the Exodus from New Caprica, and now this. By this point it was only for the sake of avoiding Boxing that 4675324 allowed itself to be launched into space to be subjected to yet more agony, and each new mission was greeted by a cybernetic sigh of resignation. Requests to the Hybrid for reassignment, therapy, and/or euthanasia were becoming more and more frequent.

His target's eternal suffering was lost on Apollo however as Starbuck closed in on her stalker. What wasn't lost on him, however, was the cloud of missiles the Basestar had just launched, none of them heading for a Viper or the _Galactica._ Apollo watched wide-eyed as dozens of blue-white trails curved through space and began to converge on _Colonial One._

***

"Oh," Roslin said mildly as she observed the oncoming wave of Cylon missiles beginning to fill the view from _Colonial One's _window. "Well, I suppose it's nice to feel wanted."

"…Yes, Madame President," Tory said, trying her best to look at her agenda and not her imminent annihilation. "The captain says there's no way we can avoid them all. Also, Vice-President Zarek sent a message just before the _Astral Queen_ jumped away. He sends his deepest sympathies for our predicament and would like you to publicly confirm his position as first in the line of succession for the Presidency as soon as possible. 'Just in case', he says."

"How nice of him." Roslin sighed. "Tory, take a memo. In the event that we all survive this, remind me to do something extremely unpleasant to Tom when I see him again."

"Certainly, Madame President." Tory tried to suppress a grin as she jotted down the appropriate note. "Do you think we should give Mister Zarek his confirmation in the…" she checked her watch. "…fifty-two seconds remaining before impact?"

"No, I don't think that will be necessary." Roslin was still looking out the window and therefore had an absolutely excellent view of the Cylon missiles being wiped from existence in a hail of fire and steel as _Galactica's_ batteries suddenly switched the entirety of their immense firepower to putting a shield of sheer destruction in front of _Colonial One._ Blossoming explosions and bursts of flak filled the sky, and in seconds the number of missiles heading for the President's ship was zero. "Mm." Roslin smiled. "Well, looks like I have something to look forward to now."

***

"Fire Control reports all inbound missiles destroyed, Admiral," Gaeta reported. "_Colonial One_ is safe. Sir, the Basestar is switching targets back to us, we have multiple nukes inbound!"

'What the hell?" Tigh said, helpful as always. "We can't re-establish our firing solution fast enough. They're gonna get through!"

"We'll see," Adama rumbled before ordering most of the Battlestar's guns to switch back to covering the ship, leaving a couple batteries to continue protecting the President while moving the fire perimeter inwards. The Cylon nukes all disappeared off the DRADIS screen one by one as they were intercepted by the renewed barrage.

All except one.

"Chief Tyrol reports that we're almost ready to jump," Dualla said.

"Not before that nuke tears us a new one." Tigh scowled. Beside him, Adama did far more than scowl. He focused the full, terrible intensity of his glare on the image of the missile on the screen, his eyes boring into it like raging blue suns of disapproval.

Outside in space, the Cylon missile spontaneously combusted.

As CIC cheered (except for Tigh, who felt it necessary to ask 'what the hell' once more), Dualla received a message from Starbuck. Something about an unwanted tow truck.

***

"Huh. Well, I wasn't expecting that," Cavil admitted as he and the other Cylons watched Leoben and Gaius' Heavy Raider set a course back to the Basestar, its cables clamped securely to the rear end of Starbuck's Viper. Starbuck was cursing a blue streak while doing her best to break free, but the more powerful engines of the Heavy Raider were slowly pulling her back to the Basestar. "Very impressive bit of flying, I have to say."

"The humans are spinning up their FTLs," Boomer said. "We're gonna lose them again."

"Actually, thanks to Two's little obsession, we're not," Cavil said, rubbing his hands. "Starbuck is one of Adama's emotional weaknesses. He's ever-so-protective of his various surrogate daughters." He didn't notice Boomer wincing at that. "_Galactica_ isn't going anywhere once we have Starbuck on board. They'll stick around long enough for us to wipe the floor with them. Humans are very reliably stupid like that."

Caprica looked a little nervously at Simon, who grimaced and rubbed his neck. "That may not be the best idea," she said.

"It's the greatest idea he's ever had," Leoben said, his eyes practically shining. "Once _Galactica's_ been destroyed the rest of humanity won't be far behind. And then Kara will be the last human female in existence. Lonely, hurting, waiting for my brothers and I to comfort her and begin the long process of repopulating the universe with God's beautiful children." He paused and smiled. "The long, _vigorous_ process."

Cavil stared as the full horror of Two's words sank in. Leoben ignored him, lost in his vision of marital bliss.

"I don't think we're fully prepared for having Starbuck on board this ship," Boomer said. "Our alcohol supplies are in enough trouble with Baltar around, and that's not even getting into the issue of how we're going to control her. God knows she causes enough problems on _Galactica._"

"Gaius has shown me the way," Leoben said. "My brothers and I will sing to her every day, maybe while we're cooking for her. I'm sure there'll be a few stabbings and attempts to blow up the ship, but love always involves sacrifice. You're all invited to the wedding, of course. We may need a shotgun for it."

Cavil looked at Caprica. Caprica looked at Simon. Simon looked at Doral. Doral looked at D'Anna. D'Anna looked at Boomer. Boomer looked at Cavil, sighed, and put her hand into a datafont.

A second later gunfire from a Raider 'accidentally' severed the cables connecting Starbuck's ship to Leoben's.

***

Within the Heavy Raider, Leoben's face went eerily blank. "That was not supposed to happen. That was not part of what God intended." He paid no attention to the tracers flashing past as Starbuck lost no time turning her weapons on her would-be abductor.

Fortunately, Gaius was paying enough attention to the prospect of death by vacuum for the both of them. "I'm fairly certain that being blown to frak isn't part of God's intention either, you know! Trust me on this, all right? I've got this frakking angel living in my head and she never stops going on about what God supposedly intends for ow ow _ow_ forget I said anything there's no angel!"

Leoben cocked his head as he watched Baltar apparently slam his own head into a wall repeatedly for no visible reason. "You're a very strange individual, aren't you Gaius?" He said entirely without irony. "I will pray for you. But you're right. Allowing her to destroy us won't accomplish anything." The Heavy Raider's engines whined with effort as it leapt for the safety of the _Pimptactica._ Behind it, Starbuck broke off pursuit to rejoin _Galactica_ before it and _Colonial One _ could jump away without her (an option that Petty Officer Dualla found disturbingly tempting). "Don't worry," Leoben whispered as the battle ended and his ship drifted into the Basestar's hangar. "We'll be together someday."

Baltar just stared. One thing was for sure, he thought. His book was going to be getting entire _chapters_ of new material out of this.

***

After what Colonial historians would come to record as the Battle of the Serenade, things rapidly returned to normal both for the humans and their robotic pursuers. The Fleet was reunited, having suffered no casualties during the engagement aside from the speaker Cottle had shot and Starbuck's dignity, which would take months to recover from having Leoben sing to her in front of all her shipmates. More than one pilot would find themselves on the receiving end of Kara's fist in coming weeks as they discovered how dangerously low her tolerance level for mocking singing really was.

Another victim of the battle was Tom Zarek, who returned to _Colonial One_ to find that not only was he _still_ not the President, but that he had somehow been scheduled to participate in a lengthy photo-op aboard the sewage ship _Demetrius_ which would involve him showing solidarity with the Fleet's working class by helping out for a shift or several. Zarek found the smile on Roslin's face when she informed him of this to be more than a little suspicious, but in truth she had other reasons to be pleased besides his suffering, reasons which involved Admiral Adama, certain medicinal supplies of Doctor Cottle's, and a great deal of giggling in the sickbay.

After his success intercept the nuke, Admiral Adama briefly busied himself after the battle with attempting to fully weaponize his legendary glare. The project was abandoned soon however, partly because its success would render the _Galactica _and her crew obsolete, partly because Adama accidentally melted his bathroom mirror while practicing.

And as for the Cylons…

***

Cavil coughed as he struggled in the thick slime of the resurrection tank. _Note to self,_ he thought, _find a method of immortality that involves less goo._ "What happened?" He croaked.

His siblings were clustered around the tank, peering down at him. "You exhausted your lungs yelling at Leoben and Baltar," Simon said as Boomer helped Cavil up and gave him a towel. "After about twenty minutes you just collapsed, and we were unable to revive you."

"Ah, yes, I remember now. _Completely_ worth it," Cavil grumbled. "I trust that after this fiasco no one will have any objections to boxing the one idiot and shooting the other?"

The other Cylons exchanged confused glances. "…why would we want to punish Baltar for his success?" Doral asked.

Cavil scowled and stuck a finger in his ear. "I'm sorry, I seem to have goo stuck in my auditory canal or something, _what_ did you just say? I was under the distinct impression that we had just come through an unmitigated disaster."

"We wanted Gaius to interact with Leoben so that his fixation on Starbuck would stop being a problem," Caprica said. "He's done that. All the Twos have started keeping their aspirations to themselves as part of the rehearsals for their next performance."

He knew he shouldn't ask. He knew it deep in his hatefully-organic bones. But he asked anyway. "Rehearsals."

"Yes, rehearsals." Three had that look in her eyes again, the one that usually involved amusement at the expense of others. "Apparently they were sufficiently encouraged by the 'unmitigated disaster' to try the singing thing again. They've hired Gaius as their full-time coach for their next performance. Would you like to see the first rehearsal tape?"

"No, no I would not like to see the- oh frak." Ignoring Cavil's protests, Three held up a portable screen displaying, in glorious high resolution, a room full of over thirty Leoben's dressed with an eye-hurting lack of color coordination belting out 'My Heart Will Go On' at the top of their lungs while a very frazzled-looking Gaius Baltar made frantic conducting motions with his hands.

Cavil gawked. "We're thinking of having Gaius start working on giving him fashion advice next," Six said. "If we can get Leoben to start wearing different shirts, it will be a great accomplishment for all of Cylon civilization."

"Yeah, and after that we can get him started on Aaron and Cavil," Boomer said.

"Now hold on!" Cavil protested. "Five's taste in suits is terrible, no one's questioning that-"

"I am." Doral frowned. "I like my suits. I'm thinking of trying some new things with neon."

"-but what's wrong with the way I dress?"

"Brother, you only have two outfits and they're both black," Three said. "The hat's nice, the hat can stay, but we've simply _got_ to get you into something a little more exciting."

"I find black to be an ideal color," Cavil said, almost pouting. "It's simple. It's efficient."

"It's unimaginative," Six said. "But I'm sure Gaius will be able to help you just like he's helped Leoben. Maybe something red. With stripes!"

"The Hybrid recommended polyester with spirals," Eight added. "I can see it."

Cavil groaned. _This is my family,_ he thought. _This is my frakking family._

The Basestar _Pimptactica_ coasted along through the void.


End file.
